By Caileigh Smith, MC, LAC

We often try to motivate ourselves through should statements:

• “I should’ve done better.”
• “I shouldn’t have said that.”
• “I should only have one cookie.”

The only thing that’s guaranteed from should-ing on ourselves is the emotional consequence of guilt.

This is also the case when other people should me. I’m not talking about constructive feedback or when we’re learning a new skill, but the type of should-ing that occurs from people struggling with their codependence.

Individuals who should us, are likely coming from their adapted ego state of needing to be in control. To test this, think of a time you told someone what they should have done something instead of what they did.

• Did you think you knew better? 
• Did you want to control the situation because you knew how it should be handled?
• Did you believe a specific situation could have been avoided had someone just listened to your advice?

In my experience, there are days that I struggle to remain in my functional adult state and cross over to a state of being too vulnerable. This often occurs with particular individuals with who I still grapple with damaged or fractured boundaries. On these days or with these people, when I am should-ed upon, I have a shame attack and feelings of guilt that are difficult for me to shake off.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

Healthy boundaries allow people to communicate their wants and needs while respecting that of others. Healthy boundaries can include saying no and accepting when someone else says it, honoring and respecting your needs, respecting others’ values, beliefs and opinions even if they differ from yours, and disclosing information when it’s appropriate and you feel comfortable.

What Are Unhealthy Boundaries?

Safety in our relationships is comprised when unhealthy boundaries are present. This can lead to dysfunctional relationships where people’s needs aren’t met. Unhealthy boundaries can include difficulty saying no and accepting it from others, not communicating your wants and needs clearly, compromising your values, beliefs, and opinions to appease others, being manipulative, and oversharing personal information.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries will be contingent on your values, beliefs, and opinions. There are a few steps to consider when learning how to set boundaries

Set Goals 

You should ask yourself what your goals are for boundary setting or the need to set boundaries. 

Start Small 

Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, so it’s essential to start small and focus on one thing at a time. Over time, you’ll become more comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries. 

Be Clear

Focusing on what you want clearly will help you set healthy boundaries. 

Practice 

If you’re uncomfortable or nervous about setting boundaries, write them down and practice in the mirror beforehand. This will significantly help you communicate your boundaries effectively.

Keep It Simple

Don’t get bogged down with overloading the details. Focus on what bothers you most when setting and communicating boundaries. 

Protecting Yourself from Carried Guilt

Having experienced this very thing today, I’d like to share ways to overcome these feelings of guilt and shame and move back to our functional adult selves.

1. Visualize your Boundaries

Remind yourself where you begin and end and where they do. Sometimes it is helpful to reinforce this boundary through visualization. Some people picture a hula-hoop around them and gauge that space around them as theirs and protected. I tend to visualize building a small pony wall, and each brick has a needed word/affirmation on it. (e.g., trust, love, safe. ).

2. Reframe Your Thoughts

We feel guilt because we believe we’ve erred somehow. Our guilt lets us know that we have done something outside our value system. On the other hand, carried guilt is induced by childhood trauma and strikes us even when something is not outside our values. We may even blame ourselves for things that are not within our control. If you determine that you are feeling carried guilt instead of your guilt, recognize that this particular should-ing experience results in a cognitive distortion and work to reframe your thinking.

For example:

• “I am human and fallible.”
• “This is not about me but them and their cognitive distortions/codependence.

3. Talk About Your Boundaries

Having reframed your thoughts to work through the feelings of guilt, communicate with the individual to be heard, and not manipulate a particular response or reaction.

This can be done by using Pia Mellody’s talking boundary:

• “When I heard you say…
• What I make up about that or What I think about that is…
• About that, I feel…”

Even a simple I-statement:

• “I feel…when…because…”

Hopefully, through these three steps, you can move away from the feelings of guilt and the damaging effects of should-ing and back into your functional adult self.

The Benefits of Setting Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries can provide balance in your life and relationships along with some other benefits including:

Avoid Burnout 

Doing too much for too many people can easily lead to burnout. Setting healthy boundaries can prevent this.

Less Resentment 

Helping others is a great quality to have. However, when you give too much to people, you can become resentful. Setting boundaries around what you’re capable of taking on can reduce or eliminate resentment.

More Balance

Oftentimes, we need to set boundaries with ourselves. Practicing self-care and doing activities that you enjoy like binge-watching tv or staying up late on work nights can lead to exhaustion. Setting a boundary with yourself and going to bed earlier instead can provide more balance in your life. 

Setting boundaries is essential to leading a happy, healthy life. Boundaries might look different to everyone, but they establish the limits of appropriate behavior between two people and help ensure healthy relationships. It might take time to learn how to set boundaries effectively and determine which ones are most important to you, but it will significantly benefit your mental and emotional wellbeing in the long run.