By: Carol Juergensen Sheets, LCSW, PCC, CSAT

When one decides to recover from sexual addiction, it can feel like you’ve lost your best friend. You grieve the time you spent with your addiction and the exhilarating rush you received while increasing the intensity of your desires. More than likely, you have spent years with this addiction, and you did so in secrecy. This can make the relationship seem even more special because it was a secret that was solely yours. Whenever you had free time, you could not wait to partake in it, and the cravings and urges reminded you of how important that bond was.

The Reality

But the truth of the matter is that you forgot how bad this compulsion really was. You forgot that this relationship stole precious time from you and your family, friends, and loved ones. You stayed in denial about the fact that this activity sabotaged your self-esteem and contributed to your self-loathing and self-hate. It stole your authenticity so that you could not be the person that you wanted to be.

You also ignored the fact that this disorder progresses exponentially. The initial rush no longer gives you that same high, so you progressed to adding behaviors to your life that are even more shameful and disheartening. Perhaps that meant you used drugs or alcohol to make the sex feel more exhilarating. You may have used poppers before chronically masturbating to make the intensity greater. You may have started on an internet site looking for hook-ups, then moved to chat rooms and anonymous sex in parks, hotels, or bathhouses. The disease always gets worse, and an addict can never really control it. It is no longer your best friend. Instead, it feels more like the demon inside of you that is tearing your life apart and stealing your soul!

Giving It Up Hurts

Part of the denial you stay in is only thinking of the good times when thinking about your relationship with your “old friend.” When sex addicts make the decision to recover from sex addiction, they long for the medicinal aspects of the addiction, but they forget the true state of their being while actively using. They forget the chronic state of lying and secrecy they had to maintain to keep the addiction alive. They forgot the consequences of their behaviors which may have included robbing the family savings, losing a job, being discovered repeatedly, watching their partner cry, losing sleep, injuring themselves through masturbation and sexually transmitted diseases, and loss of family experiences and relationships. The reality of this illness means that so many things may have occurred from the addiction.

Every sex addict has experienced loss as a result of their addiction. You have lost your family as you know it. Or your profession or your job? Have you lost your fortune, your income, and your life savings?

Giving up your best friend is an illusion, but it still hurts. You cannot recover without intensive work. You need a committee to support you through this process. Finding a certified sexual addictions counselor, intensive treatment, 12-step meetings, and a sponsor is all part of that committee. This is a disorder of isolation, and you can’t do it alone. There are people out there who can guide you through this process if you are fearless and have the courage to say no more!

Carol Juergensen Sheets, LCSW, PCC, CSAT, is currently in private practice in Indianapolis, IN. She speaks nationally on mental health issues and is featured in several local magazines. She currently has an internet radio show on www.blogtalkradio.com/sexhelpwithcarolthecoach and does regular television segments focusing on life skills to improve one’s potential. You can read her blogs at www.carolthecoach.com.