Often, when men or women attend 12-Step meetings or therapy, they’re instructed to do the 3-circles exercise. The circle exercise involves drawing a three circles diagram representing three types of behaviors in an addict’s life.
The outer circle represents healthy behaviors, the middle circle represents behaviors that may lead an addict to pursue addictive behaviors, and the inner circle represents absolute “deal breakers,” putting an addict back into a slip or relapse. In terms of sexual addiction, most addicts know to avoid internal circle behaviors like pornography, affairs, voyeurism, and prostitution because it will lead to relapse.
Still, a sex addict will often be in denial of how damaging the middle circle behaviors are. They forget that if they engage in slippery slope behaviors, it’ll frequently open the floodgates for deal-breaking behaviors.
There’s a lot of denial with middle circle behaviors because addicts believe they can engage in some behaviors that aren’t good for them yet stay away from “real addictive behaviors.”
What Are Middle Circle Behaviors?
Often, middle-circle behaviors are the most complex. There’s a lot of denial with middle circle behaviors because addicts believe they can engage in some behaviors that aren’t good for them yet stay away from “real addictive behaviors.” This is a misnomer as invariably, the addict who dabbles in unhealthy behaviors will eventually be drawn to severe addictive relapse or slips.
One example is a man who believes he can look at swimsuit models and not eventually move into hard-core pornography. Or a woman who thinks she can sext a man but keep her addiction in written form instead of moving into encounters where sexual activity occurs.
Oftentimes, these behaviors that someone engages in are considered denial behaviors. The addict doesn’t recognize nor realizes that those behaviors will move him into the sexual addiction behaviors that have destroyed his life. The addict fools himself into believing that his middle circle behaviors won’t trigger behaviors that will take him to the next level.
Middle Circle Behaviors and Substance Abuse
Some addicts want to think that they can put substance abuse into their middle circle behaviors. Addicts that use substances like crack, alcohol, or sex to “light up” the reward center produce chemicals that create pleasurable feelings. Addicts fool themselves and look for ways to stay in a heightened state of denial to engage in behaviors that will keep the reward center in the brain active and medicate themselves. Yet, they tell themselves that these middle-circle behaviors aren’t that bad.
What we know about sexual addiction is that substance abuse has been used in conjunction with sex fuses and that it’s imperative to stop both behaviors and keep them in the inner circle as “deal-breaker” behaviors. When an addict engages in substance abuse, he’ll eventually trigger the need to act out sexually.
Recognizing Your Middle Circle Behaviors Is a Part of the Healing Process
Working with addicts involves encouraging them to realize how important it is to value their middle circle behaviors and create measures that insulate them from participating. Initially, sex addicts in recovery understand that these middle circle behaviors are the gateway to moving them into full-blown relapse behavior. As time wanes and the addict begins to miss his addiction, he’ll start to flirt with behaviors that will promote his addiction.
Although these behaviors seem insignificant, they’ll put an addict back on the journey toward relapse. I worked with a woman who refused to throw away a lipstick she only used when she was ready to pursue sexual activity. She thought it was ridiculous to expect her to give up the lipstick. When she was in a heightened state of sobriety, she realized that the red lipstick represented her acting-out behaviors. She couldn’t let go of the lipstick, almost as if it was a transitional object that kept her attached to her old behaviors.
Another example is men who put filters on their phones and yet find ways to objectify women in bathing suits (usually put in the middle circle) are fooling themselves and in a heightened state of denial, one slip away from starting the cycle again.
Working with addicts involves encouraging them to realize how important it is to value their middle circle behaviors and create measures that insulate them from participating.
Adjusting Your Circle Plan to Find Lasting Recovery
In the natural slope of addiction, addicts typically move inward instead of outward on their sobriety circle. When you constantly engage in middle circle behaviors, you gravitate towards inner circle behaviors as a coping mechanism. When you recognize these patterns, you can actively move toward outer circle behaviors as a healthy form of coping. Slips or relapses can help you learn more about your triggers to adjust your circle plan accordingly. You may also need to add more middle and inner circle behaviors to find lasting recovery.
Don’t underestimate your middle circle behaviors. Talk with your sponsor and your 12-Step group about grieving the loss of these behaviors and finding support to prevent them from occurring in your everyday life. If you ignore these middle circle behaviors, you’ll likely be unable to stay in good solid recovery. Eliminating these middle circle behaviors are essential to staying clean, sober, and recovered.
Carol Juergensen Sheets, LCSW, PCC, CSAT, is in private practice in Indianapolis, IN. She speaks nationally on mental health issues and is featured in several local magazines. She currently has an internet radio show on www.blogtalkradio.com/sexhelpwithcarolthecoach and does regular television segments focusing on life skills to improve one’s potential. You can read her blogs at www.carolthecoach.com. To contact Carol about sexual addiction: www.sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com.